the last week has been chaos, as per usual.
i feel like my chaos is slowing down though. it used to be fun, wild chaos; and while it is still that, especially being with my friends, there are still things that i haven't really been able to grasp.
a lot of thoughts have been passing through.
about my friends, how much they mean to me. how glad i am that we could all do it, somehow. i've realized how much i miss being around them. i know that sometimes it's a lot to deal with. there are so many people to share quality time with and i love it; but of course, i need time to just chill by myself. as some would say, just do me. it seems that a lot of that time has been fucked up now though. i feel like there's something different about it. something less enjoyable, less relaxing. sometimes it is nice to just chill by myself, but lately it's been making me feel more alone than anything. maybe it's that winter is reaching its peak slowly but surely, and soon it'll be too cold to move. there's something about the weather that definitely makes me feel less comfortable in my skin.
but i've been feeling alright lately. usually the winter gets to be too much for me but i've been feeling pretty good. i've been taking my vitamins and trying to stay healthy. i've been smoking less. my coat has started to smell like bowling alley and it's too cold to enjoy a smoke anymore. i do have a cold, i'm a little snotty, i'll admit it.
no clue what's going on for new years. whatever.
it's just nice to see so many familiar faces. i'm kind of ready to go back to the city though...

today has been good but also exhausting.
woke up at 11 with a wicked brown frown hangover. i literally sat up and just yelled 'fuck', pounded my fists on the comforter.
last night was spent drinking quite a bit of whiskey and hennessey. then going to uptown diner at 2 in the morning to down half a BLT and fries. a cup and a half of coffee. i've been sick from a mayo hangover all day. i'm never going to uptown diner again.

ailee came over today. she may or may not be renting andrew's room but by the sounds of it, not. it was good to see her though. really good. she and i talked about a lot. a lot about what's been going on. it was nice to talk with her. so nice. it's just that i haven't really seen anyone from when i was dating joel, and it's been hard to have to let go of all of those people whom i cared about. wyatt has kind of kept in contact, which i am so grateful for. i really care about that kid. i think he and i are kindred spirits. but after talking with ailee, i've been thinking more and more about contacting joel. just to see how he's doing. i don't know if that would be ok. i doubt it would be. it's just that the way that ailee talked about him made it seem that he wasn't doing so well. and i don't want him to not be doing well. i want him to be so happy; and i guess that's a ridiculous thing to want for someone i stopped seeing two months ago. i know there's still so much shit that we're both dealing with, and i certainly am prone to self-medicating. i was just surprised by the things that she told me.
we went to 'Milk' with Sarah tonight. John M was selling tickets at the box office. When i saw him i almost shit myself. i knew that i would be seeing him sometime in uptown, as we both work there. and i hadn't until tonight. i had been trying to prepare myself mentally, trying to figure out how i would smile and nod or if i should try and have a bit of small talk. i figured a good smile and nod would serve fine. i had practiced it in my head even, friendly but a silent understanding that we weren't going to speak. but when i saw him sitting behind the desk, i lost all of it. i freaked out. i immediately became so awkward i couldn't handle being in the same room. ailee assured me it would be ok, and it did make me feel a bit better. i smiled and waved. he said, "hey guys." i dunno. it just shook me up to see him and see that look in his eyes that clearly said, "i am not siding with you."

i've got a test in a few hours that i haven't really studied for. should get on that, huh?

the last few weeks has been me thinking about a guy i've found myself to be crushing on. crushing hard. i guess that's the only word i know to use but it's definitely more than a crush. but not more in that i feel something like love or even progressing affection. it's just such a crush through and through. i kind of like having a crush. it's been such a long time since i've felt it. i had really forgotten what it was like. it's kind of nice. and kind of not so nice. but i think it's good for me. and will be so fun.

i've been working on a mix cd to give to my nearest and dearest. i want to put great songs on there that i've been listening to but have no yet overplayed for myself. good songs that still hold my interest. a little something for everyone.

i'm going bowling tonight with sarah and some boys from one of the frats at bryant lake bowl. random kind of but sounds like fun? i guess we'll see

have so much school work, i'm being crushed underneath it.

i guess things have been kind of fucked up lately. i'm having a lot of trouble figuring out what i'm thinking or feeling or want to be thinking and feeling. maybe it's just finals coming up or maybe it's something else. i'm just hoping it's not something else.
i miss being to worry just about myself. it was nice. but i guess that also brings up a slew of other problems to replace the ones i wish would go away.

i think i've just gotten myself into a lot of trouble. a lot of trouble. i can foresee what i'm doing now to be causing drama for me for the next six months. god damn it. god fucking damn it. goddamn.
i was really hoping to not have any drama in my life for some time but i think that's just not an option anymore. any fucking more. anymore. more.
just such a bummer, ya know? i just got out of this really serious relationship and was trying to pull myself up by the boot-straps but i think the world is a little against me.
please excuse me. i'm just exhausted and ornery.

in good news, i got the job as reporter intern for the daily. i start next semester with one weekly article, and i get to write about pretty much whatever i want. $10 an inch. god, i'm just glad they're giving me a chance to write.

i'm just tired and lost. and want a genuine shoulder to lay my head on for a minute. god help me.

so I applied for a job on Friday at the Daily for a few intern positions, hoping they'd call me back for at least one. A guy I believe to be named Mike called to set up an interview later on this week.
the black keys have been infesting my brain for the last several days. so heavy.

so what to do with my life? i don't know that it really matters at the moment but i feel like something should be happening and isn't.

friday night i got a little too drunk with mark and preston and tt and tara and karen and christy at medusa. they were having a queer dance party. so much fun. dancing always makes me feel better. if i'm feeling lonely or sad or tired or irritated, there's nothing like putting on a great dance track (al green, le tigre, m.i.a., lykke li, the strokes, etc.) and just moving.
i'm really glad i got to hang out with tt and tara. they are honestly great. just so fun and funny. and they're willing to deal with my drunkenness. which i feel like is a virtue in and of itself.

other than drinking a little too heavily, i've been trying to relax as much as possible. school has been crazy, trying to get ready for finals and all; and trying to keep up with everyone is a challenge. i love my friends so so dearly, they are my family, and i wish i could spend every moment with them. but sometimes i just need alone time. i think that's what i miss most about living by myself. i had a place to go where it was just me, whatever i wanted to do. quiet. nice and quiet. of course there were so many times where it became too quiet and i was left to busy myself with whatever i could find. more often than not, it was getting little stoned and watching seinfeld. it's been good to live with people and always have something to do or someone to talk to. it's just the balance of alone and together that is so tricky.

i'm going to brookings for the weekend. actually i'm just waiting for sarah to get out of class so we can make a tree and leaf (malapropism). i'm so so excited to see abby and anne and lang and paul and danny and nattie and kathy and sarah and john and hopefully ben, darin, jordan, cody, corey, hanna, jj, and the rest. it'll be such a hectic time, seeing everyone, hanging out with everyone, drinking with everyone. but i am relieved to be seeing all of my friends for the first time in a year and a half. it'll just be nice, ya know?

This morning was hard to wake up to. it's been so cold and grey. like russia. like siberia. like the worst hell on earth. it prompted me to charge tolstoy to my student account, later to be paid off by my financial aid. thanks government.

I've been getting back into reading poetry lately. i had forgotten how much i truly enjoy it and how great it is to read a poem and let the words and lines and stanzas sit on my brain like a fog over a graveyard. i like that image a lot i think. fog in a graveyard.
mostly i've been reading anne sexton. i feel like that's where i'm at right now in my life: reading anne sexton, listening to conor oberst and old bright eyes and bruce springsteen and fiona apple sometimes and bob dylan. always bob dylan. i'm just moving day to day at the moment. trying to survive school with my head above water. trying to live my free time with as much relish as i can mustard. (malapropism)

today has already been a whirlwind. i had anthropology this morning, and saw anna for the first time in a week. it's really nice to have friends in my classes, especially anna who makes as many wise-cracks about the lecture as i do. she went to ireland over the weekend kind of on a whim, a life i am jealous of. after parting ways, i finished my biolab paper and grabbed a relatively bad cup of coffee from einstein bros. i knew it wouldn't be any good but i didn't want to go to starbucks and wait in line for an overpriced, overcaffinated cup. so i took what i could get for $2.00 and set off for lab. i drank what i could of it before having to throw it away. no beverages in the lab.
and since then, i've been looking up information on the jeffersons for my journalism group project. i've realized that journalism is honestly the most interesting subject to me. the concepts and theories and ideas and work.
mahmahmah

more school...

things have been harder than usual lately.

it feels like the days are starting to go faster, and the sun is always at 4:30. it's not enough high noon.

the days have been beautiful though. almost too beautiful. this has been the best fall yet. it snowed this morning for a little bit. it's strange how fall here is like winter in portland. it's nice.

i've been having such a time with my friends. i thank god they're there.

i'm trying to be as productive as possible and it's been working pretty well. i think i'll keep it up.

workin' and then danny comes in tonight. can't wait to see that dirty arab face.

i wish i had something to write but i really have no too much to say at the moment. maybe it's just best to leave things unsaid when it comes to unnecessary thoughts.

wakawakawaka
life has been so busy!! i've been going to school and working and trying to have a life in between all of that. it's been working out well, i've been doing well to keep a semblance of balance. sometimes i'm just exhausted though. like right now. i'm just trying to keep my head up and keep chuggin' along but i feel like it's getting harder and harder. i think i can i think i can
i've been listening to savage lovecast on the bus every morning, which i'm sure has been rotting away at my brain like too much candy to the gut.
thursday is my birthday! princess time princess time! i don't know what i'll get myself, maybe some new shoes? but i'm going back to brookings for the weekend to visit my parents. i haven't seen them in so long. i haven't been in brookings for so long. i don't know how i did it in portland. i guess it's easier to not miss it because i was too far away to do anything about it really. i don't really miss brookings though. i guess i don't talk to everyone there as much even though i'm closer. it's weird. i think i just miss it because i miss the people.
i don't really have much to say right now. too tired....

ok, so i won't let things end this evening on that note. i will not allow it!

life has been moving fast lately. I start school next week, which is mind-blowing. I found out tonight that my biology class isn't necessarily about "evolution and ecology" as i had signed up for it, but is actually "evolution and the biology of sex". Like sex sex. gender, yes. but also, penises and vaginas. and bumping vents and amplexis and the whole gambit.

the wrights' show is coming up thursday. i'm vaguely nervous. i guess i'm not too worried mainly because i don't think a hell of a lot of people are coming. i'm ok with that. i don't want to be nervous. i just want to play a show and have fun. i want to play music with sarah and danny and preston and bj again and join tats and pretend to know the lyrics of almost every song.

i need sleep but i can't handle laying awake. i've been biking everywhere the last few days so it probably won't be too hard to rest my body and my eyes.

g'night

I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not deperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate I am not desperate i am not desperate i am not desperate i am not desperate i am not desperate i am not desperate i am not desperate i am not desperate i a m not despearte a i a m not desperate ai ma note depseate ai am not desperate i am note deaperate i am note despaerate i am note despeater i a mno te aderapeste

I've realized that evening is the best time to write. It really is just when my mind is focused and present and I feel present. It could be that lack of sleep causes my brain to fall through the cracks a little. Maybe it's that I'm tired enough to be unguarded with my flow of speech and thought. In any case, it feels like a much more comfortable time to write, to express things. Maybe it's the cover of night that allows everyone to do things they wouldn't due during the day for fear of being seen. That's what darkness does after all, clouds what is done inside of it. It's a time of rare honesty.
This evening was filled with Destiny's Child, strawberry Andre, diarrhea, talkin and talkin and talkin. Great.
The Wrights are playing a show the 28th of August in Minneapolis. I'm actually pretty excited. It seems like it's going to be really fun. And I really want to see Leo's band. They sound pretty fantastic on myspace, which I think says at least that their song writing abilities are fantastic if the recording quality is not.
But I'll talk to you later.
Bye

so I've been writing.
I'm working on this little ditty that I fell in love with the other night when Preston, BJ, Danny, and I were in Preston's garage attic. It doesn't sound quite as good as it did that night but my guitar playing never sounds as good. It's ok. I'm still trying to work it out.
I'm also writing an application to the school of journalism.
and I'm still working on my music stuff. How do I even begin to think about that stuff? can i really write about people that i still don't really know? that's not true. i do know them. i know them even if i don't know them. everyone's a walking autobiography. sometimes people even write the words of their autobiographies in their heads. sometimes they even say things out loud so that they can quote themselves in their autobiographies. or if they're pompous enough, for their biographies.
it's strange how we're all just kind of waiting to be interviewed. we really are. we can't even wait to talk about ourselves. if you don't believe me, ride the bus. everyone's just hoping that someone is going to ask them how their day is going so that they can launch into their life's story.
i hate sitting next to those people. i can feel their anticipation for the "how's it going?". "How's it going?" really just means "hi".
"hi!"
"well work has just been killing me, and today was just the worst."

yea, that shit sucks.

so here we are again. new beginnings and such. or maybe just rehashing the past. and we all know that rehashing is nothing new.
why is it that I can't be satisfied with anything? why is one of my feet always in the door, ready to move on to the next thing?
How do we decide when to move on? how and when do we decide to leave the situation, the circumstances we've created, to throw that aside and start anew? To start fresh, to feel the reincarnation of yourself in many more ways than to simply find yourself with a new occupation (restaurant busboy to house cleaner is a nice change), a new pet (perhaps an iguana this time!), or a new water filter (who doesn't love clean water?). maybe a new water filter can wait, but when do you know that that feeling is too much, and you just have to move on?
whatever.
i'm gonna watch TMNT with karen and whitney

This online journaling has become less and less frequent like so many of my online journals before it. I wonder why I can't just buckle down and expose myself to the billions of Internet-accessed human beings (although I am fully aware that approximately four of those millions would ever stop by to read what I have to say). Maybe I just don't have much to say. That's not true. I have so much to say, but I get too caught up in things like syntax to express my true thoughts and feelings.
I've been trying to get into a book for a while and have found one that I've almost completed. I'm not engaged in it because it is the most exciting, entertaining, or relatable book I've ever read. It's just a light read; but I can't put it down. I even read during work today (a huge no no). It's a mostly moderate book, but I'm glad to be reading again.
Life has been moving so fast lately that I feel like I barely have a moment to catch up. I have orientation next week for U of M transfers (woohoo!) and then school begins and on and on forever.
Living has been good though. I've been trying to really live as much as I can with the time I have to do it in. I feel like I've been slow to make friends here. Sans my roommates, who are a riot (sans the anger, and the burning of cars). It's been good to live with people who are so good. Tonight we went up to Andrea's room and watched "Me and you and everyone we know". It was really fun to just watch movies with people.
My creativity has been latent lately. I haven't really been trying to write but I feel like there's nothing to write about. I'm a dried up old prune. I wrote the other a little bit, a little sentence here, a little thought there; but it turned into me cleaning out my notebook instead of writing in it.
Another day, another dollar.

so I've moved into my new house of 3937 Portland Ave., Minneapolis, MN with Karen, Andrea, Andrew, and Patrick. It's really an amazing place. I've already had such a wonderful time living here, and it's only been three weeks (two nights for me actually sleeping here with a bed).
I got a new bike yesterday! Joy and rapture resound! My dad's old bike looked so good but I just am not strong enough to make it a city bike. The fenders and frame were so heavy, and I was not about to take off the fenders just so I could make it easier for myself. When I brought the bike from my parents' house, I left with strict instructions to not change anything on the bike. I put about $100 into getting new tires, tubes, and for stabilizing the wheels, some of which I could have done myself, but I don't know much about bikes, and although it would be a good thing to learn, I feel that I have too much on my plate right now to worry about how to change a bike tube. I'll just pay the $10 and have someone else do it for me, thanks.
Speaking of money, I am broke. I've been taking so much time off of work for school and for the 4th of July trip to Gregory that I have not worked in a good week and a half. I like that I haven't been spending my free time at work, but at the same time, I have no money as a result. I've just been so busy with school and moving that the time I have off has been too precious.
On that note, I will say that I have nothing to do for the next three days. It feels so amazing to be able to just sit around, go on my computer, write, sleep, eat, smoke, do whatever with my time. I also have not had time off in so long that my errands list is massive. Maybe tomorrow...
Life is good, I'm feeling happy. If one thing leads to another, this might be a permanent state of mind.
Hope all is well ya'll.

here goes:
life has been a pretty crazy good time. i haven't had time to really just relax or even do what i want so I do apologize to everyone who i have neglected in the last weeks but i do say thank you to those who will understand that i just needed some time to get myself together.
i've been working working working. it's been nice to have a fatty paycheck but awful to have to be at work so much.
i have a bike! i got new tires on it and had a little work done but it still needs a lot of love. but i'm not giving up! i won't! i can't!
10klf is so soon and i'm very excited.
also, pete seeger rules.
so does steely dan.

i'm lost.

It is spring today. It has become spring today.
I worked the whole day yesterday and it nearly killed me! Not really at all but I was exhausted. It's not a strenuous job by any means but it was so bustlin' busy. Sho was there for a bit. He's so funny. I really like him and everyone that I've met so far. I met Laura, singer in Babyguts. We definitely played a show with them so long ago at Main St. Pub. She remembered me, which I thought was cool. It's kind of hard to keep a conversation moving for 8 hours if you've only just met someone. I guess that's just how it goes.
I've really been all over the place the last week. I've been trying to keep up with everyone and myself. I feel like my brain is going in a million different directions all of the time. I should probably start doing yoga again.
I think I'll have an adventure today. I haven't had one in a while. Definitely will be going to the post office. Maybe.